I'm not sure why this reared its head tonight, but it did. Pretty much out of nowhere. I've had a hard time keeping track of the date this last month. I think my subconscious was doing it somewhat intentionally so that I wouldn't realise how close August was. But when I looked at my calendar this evening and saw "Jul 20" (yes, my computer actually abbreviated July) I broke for the first time.
For those of you that don't know, on August 1 I will be packing up my life and going west to continue my work with the Navigators at their headquarters in Colorado. The decision has been made now for a couple of months, so it was bound to hit me at some point. I think that once I saw the date tonight, it was the first time I really thought deeply about what I'm about to do in less than 2 weeks, and the first time I allowed myself to feel all of the emotions that come along with it.
See, I love Cincinnati. Despite how much I complain about the weather, I love this place. I've lived here since I was 2 years old, since my brother was born. It's the place I've lived for the last 22 years, it has been my home in every sense of the word. And it really hurts to think about the fact that I'm leaving my home--this place and these people that I love so dearly.
A few weeks back, I had some of my dearest friends over and we watched our way through the extended versions of the entire Tolkien saga in one sitting. It was exhausting, but we made it. It was probably one of the best 28 hours periods of my life and I'll cherish that memory forever. I cry at the end (and many, many times throughout) every time. There are two things that hit me this time through though.
The first was the moment in the Fellowship of the Ring where Sam and Frodo are leaving the Shire. Sam stops. "This is it...if I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been." Now Colorado is definitely not the farthest away from home I've ever been; not by a long shot. But for the first time, I understand Sam's anxiety and anticipation. Sam loves his Shire. It's the Shire that keeps him going throughout their entire journey, as well as his devotion to Frodo. And I get that. I love my city. I love my people here; they are irreplaceable. Cincinnati is my Shire.
Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you that I'm Sam through and through. What scares me about that though, is that I think I have it a bit harder than Sam. I don't get a Frodo to hit the road with for the first time. And as the day gets closer and closer, I am very deeply feeling that gap. Being a Sam without a Frodo is something that scares me very much.
The other part that hit me was at the very end, this time with something Frodo said to Sam--"We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me." I'm not saying my life goal has been to save Cincinnati all along or that I've even done a good job. But ever since my first days at the Vineyard when I learned about outreach and evangelism, I do feel that I've wanted to love this city--whether it was by serving it through Summer of Service or by serving at U.C.'s campus on Navigators staff, or going out and praying for people with my Bible study. There's a lot of hate and darkness in this world, and the only way to beat it is to show the light and to love the hate away.
So in that way, yeah, I feel like I've fought to save my Shire. The work is not done by any means, and boy is there a lot to do. But I related so deeply with Frodo there--the Shire has been saved. But not for me. Just like Frodo, I don't get to stay here and enjoy the place I love and have poured out my love and time and strength on and want to keep loving on. Just like Frodo, I have to leave behind the place I've fought for and go into the West.
I know this whole post sounds like I hate that I have to leave. That's not the case at all. I'm so excited to go on this adventure. I know I'm going to learn so many new things, meet so many new people, learn to trust God in new ways, and so many more things that I don't even know yet. I know it's going to be a good adventure, a fun adventure, a new adventure. And while my heart is sad that my Shire wasn't saved for me; while it's sad to leave this place, this community, these people, this fellowship, that's all I've ever known, my heart is happy to be a part of this new story.
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
